What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
this just has baby written all over it
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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