I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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