I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
