i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Randomize
