Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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