I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
