If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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