Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
