he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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