upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
