I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Randomize
