Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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