the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize