Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
