you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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