My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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