Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize