we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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