Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Randomize
