just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
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