my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize