ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
