Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Randomize
