Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
