the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Randomize
