Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
