Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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