You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
