I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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