I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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