Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Screwed.edu
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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