I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
