The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Randomize
