It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
