The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm just crazy horny about you
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
