Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
