if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
