well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
