i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
