I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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