she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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