there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
