I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
