Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
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