I wish I only lived at night.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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