Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
