I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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