watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
You ruined the universe
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
