FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
