on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
