You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
