The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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