my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
