i just sent this text using only my big toe
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
