last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
