I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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