Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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