im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
