You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I just found a bag of teeth...
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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