Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
