He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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