he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
